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No Missing Pieces Zine #1 pg 32-35

Submitted by admin on Tue, 12/02/2014 - 21:49

The Glass Tower

By John Makin

(TW: emotional abuse, imprisonment)

Have you seen the big glass tower where everyone can live
Where everybody has a place, a role, something to give
For everyone is wanted there and none feels out of place
But still I'm outside looking in upon that awesome space

I feel the cold, I feel the dark, my face pressed to the glass
Watching people come and go and through those portals pass

If I try to enter in, I know I'll be rejected
As if I were some harmful threat, doubted and suspected

I know that I'm not one of them, I cannot be a part
I know that I am different and have been from the start
And when the residents come out, they sometimes stop and talk
Telling me what I should do and how and where to walk

Because I am not good enough, to join them where they live
I have to hang around outside and take what they might give
I know that I cannot improve, I know that I am flawed
That no matter how I try, for me there's no reward

 

When first I came up to the Tower I found I could go in
At least into the vestibule where all the tests begin
Was I fit, was I right to come within this place?
Was I considered good enough to join the human race?

 

At first they went so carefully, they did not know my strength
They tried so hard from far away, to keep me at arm's length
They had to separate me, they put me in a cell
Because they found when they came close, they didn't like the smell

And all the time I worked for them, I did what I was bid
And they accepted all of it, yes, everything I did
Yet I was never good enough, I had too many flaws
They only let the wholesome ones go in through those fine doors

And I, of course, accepted this, it came as no surprise
For I can see the look of dread that comes in other's eyes
It comes when they get close to me, they cannot bear to stay
For once they get the scent of me they have to turn away

 

So in the end I was thrown out, unwanted and rejected
As if I were a loathsome beast with some foul plague infected
There's warmth and light within that place and still I have to stay
I'm like a moth around the light, I cannot go away

 

 

 

For I can see there's nothing more, there's nowhere else to go
I am a human being too, though they don't want to know
I've longed to be accepted, I've tried and tried and tried
But no matter what I do, they still leave me outside

No, they will take all I can give and then they'll ask for more
And they will take it from my hands then turn and shut the door
What would they sense if I came in, would I seem like a pall?
Like some dark and noisome cloud, come to pollute them all?

Or do they think that they're so high, where I cannot attain
Up high above someone like me upon a different plane
So can you tell me what I've done? Why I should feel this way?
And tell me, please, if I should leave? Why would I want stay?

 

In that Tower I was born, I lived there for a while
In the days when life was good and I knew how to smile
And then one day all went astray and though I tried to hide
It didn't matter where I fled, for I was put outside

I couldn't stay, I had to leave, they didn't want me there
And so I have my place out here, where I can stand and stare
But what was done, was done to me, it wasn't what I did
But still the guilty feelings stay, of them I can't be rid

When I was small they took it all, the child in me I lost
He had to leave, I had to grieve, I had to pay the cost
He didn't know, he couldn't grow, entrapped within his cell
All on his own, enclosed in stone, alone he had to dwell

Until one day, he got away, someone came to his aid
But still you see, though he is free, the price is not yet paid
The child is grown, but still alone, relief he cannot gain
Oh! Can't you see, that child is me, still hurting and in pain

 

Contributor Bio: John Makin is a 64-year-old autist, long-time poet, and “reclusive scientific philosopher” who lives in Scotland. You can find more of his work at: www.fromtheretohere.net